Current Song: The Fray - How To Save A Life.
Early entry... No comment as of yet.
Silence, the essence of all that is deserving, that peaceful serenity that doesn't always have an existence due to causes beyond your control... I have it, and it's wonderful. It's been a while since I had the opportunity to have some privacy, and it's refreshing to know I have the same bedroom I left with... Either way, the fact I'm back here just doesn't sit well with me. However, this silence I'm witnessing is so easily grasped within my consciousness... And while I feel alone right now, and like I'm not good enough for anybody... This time, in this moment... I feel free. Maybe it's because I laid in bed, silently dreaming away in a type of awakened meditation... Who knows. All I know is... I feel free.
I went to bed sometime after Bethy did... When that was I'm not sure, so just for reference I'd say it was between 11pm and 1am. I don't have an accurate answer, but my away message says 11 1/2 hours ago... so, based on it being Noon now, it was 12:30am when I went to bed. I mostly had a good sleep, for the most part... Bethy wouldn't take the bunk beds upstairs in the room I used to sleep in, so I had to. Originally I wanted the couch I love in the living room to sleep on, but she wanted it. And if I would have got that, she would have slept in Nick's room on the couch there, so I said fuck it and went upstairs. Supposedly, Mom's excuse for it is she didn't want to be up there with Stephen, but who knows. So me being the Brother took one for the team and slept on Stephens Kids bunk beds... I got the bottom of course. Getting on them wasn't a problem, but getting off was like having a fat kid get out of a compact Tupperware container, it just doesn't work.
I slept until Noon, like I said, and most of the time it was an on again off again type of thing. I'd fall asleep, and roll over a bit, springs hitting my stomach from the mattress. Kind of uncomfortable, but at least it's not the one I used when we stayed here. I have a feeling I'll be alright for a night or two, but after that I'll never want to sleep on that damn bunk bed again. I woke up periodically throughout the night, once at 4am... I checked my email to find Haiti had a 6.0 aftershock... I hope everyone's alright, they don't need this shit. I went back to sleep only to wake back up at 7:30, and 9am, and 10am... Finally said fuck it and woke up and laid there looking up at this slab of wood under the top mattress. I noticed a heart shape in the wood, which wasn't carved there, it was just made that way. And it was the first thing I saw when I woke up. Here's a picture of it...
It got me thinking about Steph, and how unfair life is, and that I need to accept what can and can't happen... Along with the consequences of my actions. I just can't help but be upset over it. I mean... The way I was raised, when someone you love needs you, or asks for you. You do what you have to do to make it better for that person, by being there, or helping them with whatever they need. I've been known to do it at every beck and call, and surely my mom's not the best example of this. But friends, family, teachers... Ex-girlfriends are examples too. I just make it known that I'm this outgoing individual, and sure it gets me into tough spots... I never really get that type of respect back from anyone. People just choose simply to walk all over me, leaving me alone figure things out and to fend for myself. I don't appreciate that, but maybe I'm over thinking things. I mean, I am asking a lot. But that's another thing I've been grown to know... Love is love, even if you ask for a lot, if you love the person it should be a given. At least in my book, that's all I want to say about that...
I had about two hours of alone time before I went downstairs. Stephen came out of his bedroom twice in the process, and I just ignored him. Overall he seems like a nice guy, better than Nick and Cory at least... But I don't want his friendship, as hard as that might be to some people. I just want to get my house and be done with them forever. When it was 10am, I had those two hours to do whatever I wanted with, I laid in bed enjoying the silence I've so long been waiting for... It's nice to finally have a break and a breather for myself to regroup mentally. And I've been doing a lot of thinking about everything and I realize that among everything, I need to be the one to bring all of this together. I need to be the one who steps up and becomes something greater than what I am right now. I need to keep everything above water, and I need to be the one who molds it into what I want it to be. I just hope I can do it, with or without anyone's help.
I finally came downstairs after Noon, and went to the bathroom, and poured me a glass of Green Tea, which I've willingly switched two. I have two gallons of it at the moment. And yesterday I had two Diet Dr. Peppers... Which aren't good for me, but I needed the caps for a promotion - If anyone drinks Dr. Pepper and doesn't want their cap code, please let me have it. Speaking of cap codes, I mentioned I got two bottles for lunch yesterday, they were both for the same promotion but only one of them have a code. I should have got two of them, see the picture below.
So as it stands, I'm alone right now in the living room. Bethy's asleep on the couch and Mom and Nick are talking. It appears Stephen left, and Mom said she'll be calling Mary Beth after 1pm. I hope this time... This time... We get the key.
I'll keep you posted. And apparently Stephen didn't leave. Go figure.
We called Mary Beth but she's not answering. We called Linda and she said Mary Beth went Downtown to an appointment today, which is bullshit because if we would have went up there it would have been a waste of time. Hell... I guess Mom's right for once about coming here. She's not supposed to be back in the office until 4pm, and they close at 5pm. I don't think we're going to hear from her until tomorrow. Mom wanted to go to the thrift store, but her damn unemployment isn't in the bank. So that's probably because of MLK day, damn it... So we're not doing that either, and probably not going to hear from Mary Beth either... Mom and them want to go to the new Giant Eagle though, so we're going to go that. I'm pissed about Mom not having her money, I really wanted to go and check the cool shit out at the thrift store. I'm more pissed because this Dragon Age shirt I want on Hot Topic is sold out online... I was hoping she'd have the money so I could go and pick one up, but that's not going to happen until probably tomorrow.
Anyway... We're going to get going, I leave you with this.
We just got back at 5:30pm, and it was... Well, it was amazing. Lots of free samples, the place is huge. About the size of a Wal-Mart, but this was nuts. They had so much stuff, and so much good food. Things from all over the place, tons and tons of unique foods and goods. Everything was just amazing, and it's something you should see at least once in your life. Sure, it's near Robinson Township, but still. This Giant Eagle Market District had everything. And for future reference, I need to buy Emerald Valley Cheese Spread in the back, it was amazing, but at $7.01 for this small container, it'll need to wait. It was so good. The whole time we were there I spent time with Bethy. I was in a pissy mood, about lots of things, mostly involving me and Steph, and the house, and everything else. I'm just... I want things to be better, I'm tired of waiting for it to change. When we left there, it was after like 5pm. Then we got back here around 5:30pm. When we were there I got a good deal on Pepsi Throwback, which is awesome and something you need to try if you haven't yet... But do it soon because it's a limited time only. I got 3 packs of 12 cans for $10, and then I got myself a hoagie, which was better than yesterday's piece of cardboard. Not to mention yesterday was messy... I put a ton of stuff on it to mask the breaded taste of it, since it was really mostly bread. I got sauces and stuff all over me and my pants, and the waist line of my shirt. UGH. But uh... Two hoagies in two days, this must be a record. The whole time I was in a bad mood and Bethy and Mom just kept trying to get it out of me. I said nothing was wrong, and then they kept pushing it so I tried to tell them... But they were too busy doing other things to really listen to me, I felt ignored... It's alright though, I just want to be left alone.
Now we're back, and I ate, and we watched some of Mrs. Doubtfire while Bethy ate the Salad she got for herself. Mom and Nick made Stuffed Cabbage for them, and now we're watching The Simpsons. I'm tired of being here already, Nick's been all over Mom today, putting his hands in places that I shouldn't be seeing... Or even hearing about, it makes me so disgusted. Then his son Stephen is upstairs with Lisa, apparently she came while we were gone, and it's been a few hours and they have yet to come down. I have a good idea as to what's going down, but I don't really care. As long as I'm being left alone I could care less what everyone's doing. My back also started killing me, I cracked it off of a shopping cart in the parking lot, but it still hurts. I got it, but I didn't get it good enough. On the way home, I asked Bethy if she'd help me dye my hair, she said maybe... Hopefully we will, since I'm not liking the way it currently looks.
For the most part, I know I'm wrong in all of this, but I can't help but be upset over it... I miss her, so much... I miss her beautiful aura, and her cute and adorable smile, I miss her eyes staring back at me, seeing the soul behind the flaws that I have. I miss her head resting on my shoulder in the place it fits so perfectly in, and the way her hair brushes over my face when she keeps it down. The way her hand always finds mine, and holds it gently without pulling away, interlocking our fingers and making us whole. I miss her bed, since it's so much more comfier than any of the ones I've slept in the past few months, easily making my back not hurt... And I miss her kissing me, because time just always finds a way to stop when she does that, just letting us embrace the moment as it engulfs us in a heated passion that always feels so real and overwhelming.
For the most part, I just wanted to say I miss you, is it a crime?
I hate being so far away whenever I want to kiss you all the time
I don't want to wait for my life to start with you by my side
I'd do anything to see your face smiling so divine, someday be bride
And lay with you without worrying about our amount of time denied
To prevent you from walking a different life line so we don't divide
As of right now, we're watching Family Guy, and some of The Matrix, and Happy Gilmore. I might go out and take some pictures and finally upload the damn ones I need to add. We spent more time watching TV, Bethy found Keeping up With The Kardashians on On-Demand so she watched that, now we're watching Dog The Bounty Hunter. I love that show, I'd love to meet him, he's so bad ass. It's 8:34pm, and I don't know what tonight will bring. No word from Mary Beth, nothing at all. Hopefully that will come tomorrow... But as far as anything else, I'm getting pissed at Nick. He's all over my Mom, and it's getting a little unsettling... My Mom said last night she plans to "ease it off" after we get the house. I hope she does, she knows she can do much better.
I might go walk the trail, sometime later I think. For right now, I don't know what I'll do :/.
Between two battlefields, a lovers war waged. Between both hearts, two souls enraged. Alone, I long for your arms, as we drift apart. No matter what comes with daybreak among this fog. Remember one thing... I will love you always, and forever.
Jeg elsker deg.
As night went on, after 8:30pm Steph was home from work. She sent me a series of messages explaining her side, and we got to talking shortly afterward. Calmly and lovingly we came to fix everything, and it all felt a lot better after we did. We spent the next few hours talking online about lots of different things, both cautiously making sure we didn't let anything slip up to re-trigger setting either of us off. We were both depressed, and just did what we needed to do in order to make things happier for each of us. Bethy watched some TV, I wasn't really paying attention to anything she said or did because I was more focused on fixing things with Steph. We watched some clips of Conan's last week doing The Tonight Show, and I checked a bunch of stuff online while I was talking to Steph. Mom brought stuff in from the van, mostly food and other things and then she went to bed. When she did, I got off the laptop and called Steph and we talked for about a half an hour or so on the phone. We think we're alright now, and it would further it if we just had the ability to see each other. We never fight when we're together, which is another reason things go better in person, and why we're trying so hard to keep it together until the house comes through.
When we got off the phone I made the Taco leftovers Mom made the other night at the hotel, which was kept cold inside of the van for the past night or two. I was skeptical about eating them, worried I'd get sick but I was alright. And they were quite tasty for the most part. When I was done with that, I had some more Green Tea, and got online for a little bit to check some things on Mass Effect 2. Then I went to sleep around 3am, crawling into the bunk bed upstairs in the room I used to sleep in while we stayed here. I couldn't bring the laptop upstairs because Stephen and his girlfriend Lisa were in the bedroom next to mine, and she needed to go to work early in the morning. So because of this, I went right to sleep when I went upstairs.
Thanks all kids, and I hope you have a wonderful night :).
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